eating disorders

A Little Motivation

Your Body Hears

My intentions for the New Year were to be more dedicated to blogging. It’s still January. However, I do feel that I have fallen behind. My hope is that this little page of mine can be a little piece of positivity for someone out there. This blog is a space to share what little wisdom I’ve learned in this short life of mine, and a space for me to reset.

Today, I truly needed a reset. Have you ever just had a day where you wish you could just rewind and start again? The problem with wishing for something like that, is that nothing would really change. We are who we are, and if we don’t change the person, the end result will ultimately be the same. You may think you would choose door #2 the next time, but you wouldn’t.

Then, there comes a day when you actually want to pick another door. You want a different outcome, and the only way to do that is to change something. Change is you becoming different in some way. Change can happen in your attitude. Change can happen in your eating habits. Change can happen in your efforts to work out. Change can happen in a number of ways, but we all have to change to grow. I’ve chosen to really start back working out, and to change how I respond to things that I ultimately can’t change. I have been so sluggish lately, and I’ve gained weight… enough to make me uncomfortable. Honestly, I’ve looked at myself and have said some pretty bad things about this body. I can preach body positivity all day long, but if I am unhappy, I have to do something about it. I would suggest the same to anyone else.

There is a clear difference in being happy in your body, than being unhappy because someone else made you feel that way. Most of the time, women are simply unhappy because we are constantly comparing ourselves to what some other woman, ad, magazine, or man has said is the picture of beauty. That unhappiness is unhealthy, and sometimes we let these things do a good job of making us feel insecure in own perfect bodies.

My need to change comes from an evaluation of myself, and a comparison to my own standards. And, today was the worst. I had so much on my mind. I had to motivate myself to do a 30 minute workout. The 30 minute workout was by far one of my worst and slowest. Everything just seemed to be off.  I got off the elliptical and started beating myself up from that point forward. I kept thinking, “why didn’t you do an extra 10 minutes? Why didn’t you go harder? You will never lose this extra weight?” I kept thinking all the negative things, and totally forgot about the positive.

I forgot that I was actually blessed to see another day. I forgot to be thankful for my little family at home. I forgot to be supportive of myself in the fact that I actually did go workout, instead of just turning around and having another day of drinking wine. I forgot to think on the good, and I let my mind focus only on the bad. And, honestly, I forgot to love myself today. We can have all the good intentions and want to change for whatever reasons in whatever areas. But, change will never be permanent, if you can’t love the person you are trying to be. Love yourself today, and everyday! I hope this is a little motivation for someone.

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#WCW for My Daughter

Wednesday = hump day, and I am desperately trying to make it over that hump! I was doing my usual browsing on social media earlier and I kept coming across this: #wcw. This week I’ve seen a number of women posting themselves as their own #wcw. I thought this was silly at first, but then I realized that sometimes (if not all the time) you have to be your own “woman crush.” 

I went through years of my life not feeling as though I was beautiful. Its tough to go through a period of your life feeling as if you are less than others, because you don’t have long hair; you have a little extra weight; or your clothes aren’t as stylish. I didn’t feel like I every truly fit in anywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I had friends. But, I still felt insecure about so many things. Life definitely changed for me. I have a husband who loves me, and a wonderful daughter.

I developed an eating disorder during the last part of my high school years. I was bulimic, and it wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was kind of confusing… I think some people wondered how I could still be heavy, but have an eating disorder. It just didn’t seem to make sense. Well, real talk, fat girls can have eating disorders too! That’s not something to be proud of, but society often associates anything surrounding bulimia or anorexia with skinny women. I remember someone telling me it was OK for me to not eat or throw up my food, because I had so much fat and could stand to lose the weight. Hearing things like that make body issues harder to deal with.

I dreaded my bad habit, but I just couldn’t stop. I felt bad during, but afterwards I would feel as if I had done something toward making my physical appearance better. I felt like I was doing something to help make me more of a “woman crush.” When I was actually crushing my self identity. Every time I went to the bathroom after eating, I was telling myself that I wasn’t good enough. I was telling myself that my superficial view of beauty was more important than my health.

I had to readjust my thinking, and this took years… It has taken me years to break a habit that took all of 5 minutes to start. And now I’m trying to break a number of other habits all for our baby girl. I want her image of herself to be healthy. I want her to understand that her beauty is not measured by any other standard than the one that she sets.

My goal is to never have her hear me degrade myself or my body in front of her. I know that she will hold on to what I do and not what I say. So l want to crush all of my negative habits. This includes jokingly talking about my body, but seriously meaning the lighthearted comments that we as women make in jest.

I NEVER want our daughter to ever feel less than any other person. I do not want her to feel the way I did growing up a little chunkier than everyone else. Right now, at this moment, she is perfect in every way. She’s our baby girl, our heart, and our joy. Her smile makes me smile, and her happiness is all I wish for. I wish for her, a lifetime of happiness. I wish for her, a lifetime of knowing she is beautiful by God’s standards and not the world’s. She is beautifully and wonderfully made in His image, and that is perfection at its best. I want her to be her own #wcw, but not just a woman crush on Wednesday, EVERYDAY!

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