In the Midst of A Self-Hate Attack Storm with Nothing to Wear!

I was in the midst of a real rut last week, and felt like I had nothing to wear! I went to the closet and looked, and looked, and looked some more… I just kept flipping through each dress, skirt, shirt, blouse, etc. until I just gave up. I had to make a decision! Our baby girl will only sit quietly and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse so long while mommy gets dressed in the mornings.

I was in a dark place, some of you may know this place, where you are feeling so down about your body and appearance that you just can’t see the good right in front of you. I only had nothing to wear because I was in the midst of a self-hate attack! It’s hard to pull out of a self-hate attack. How can you pull yourself out of something that you think is true in that moment? I felt like I didn’t look like the image of myself that I had idealized in my head. The funny thing is that I couldn’t tell you what image that was! I just kept looking in the mirror and thinking, “this looks horrible!”

The mind is a powerful thing. Your thoughts have the power to make you believe that you just aren’t good enough some days, and they have the power to make you believe you can take over the world some days! Normally, I have more days where I believe I can take over the world, than the days like the one I was having last week. Finally, I took a step back in the mirror to just see me. I had on a dress that I had worn earlier this summer. I looked back at a picture of myself with the dress on, and tried to see what made today different from a month or so ago… I had gained weight. I hadn’t noticed it in my day to day comings and goings, but I had gained about 15 lbs, and all of it seemed to be in my belly. So, the dress that once looked great, looked horrible because of my bigger belly.

I don’t know about you, but once I know the root of an issue, I can handle any problem! It was like my rut was over! I went back to my closet, picked up a black ASOS skirt that I loved, and just slid it over the dress to see what the end result would be. Like magic, my mood instantly changed and the day could go on! My belly was no longer the focus, and my outfit was complete – just in time too! I had a little munchkin standing at our bedroom door within seconds of the Hot Dog song ending.

I hate that I went to that place of self-hate with myself, because I am constantly trying to promote self-love and body confidence. I guess it was necessary for me to see something I needed to change. If being the best you, means re-shifting back to a more active and healthier you, then do it! I know that is the case for me. I have worked out on and off about 3 times a week, but I can’t say that everything I have put in my body has been in moderation… everything that I have put in my body has not been good, either! I’ve been feeding my body junk, and in turn I have been feeling less than myself. I know that I can change that feeling now, and simply slide a little black skirt over my troubles, until I get it back together!

Blog B&WBlog Leyah - Blue and Black

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3 comments

  1. “Your thoughts have the power to make you believe that you just aren’t good enough some days.” This, oh this, my struggle right now. I made the mistake of going to a brand new H&M store last night with my size 10 sister (I am an 18-20 myself). Ugh the 4 racks and partial wall of their “plus size section” represented only 5% of the inventory they had in the entire two floors of their store for women. I bought stuff for my daughter, but walked out empty handed.

    It sucks when you look in your closet and the first thought is, “Gee, what can I wear today that won’t make me look like a whale.”

    Our minds dictate our behavior, and society makes us believe we aren’t worthy of being called “the pretty one” or “cute” or “sexy.” Often I feel defeated before I even try to make myself feel beautiful. I too, have a toddler, and she makes me feel the most loved in the world when her little hands touch my face and she gives me a big wet kiss. Her innocence allows her to love me; my size, my looks don’t matter to her. She loves me for who I am to her: her mother.

    I wish society would see us larger ladies as the things we are, what we achieve, what we do for others — not by our size. The standard of beauty in our culture is all a lie: normal people can’t and won’t ever attain to THEIR standards. Not everyone can use PhotoShop to make themselves look perfect and starving models are not the normal, even though that’s what the media, what the fashion icons want us to believe. Thank goodness there are women like you being honest and real through blog sites like this one; we need to hear voices of real people dealing with the issue of body image, self-shaming, etc.

    1. This comment warms my heart! I hope that this blog is the start to something great for all women plus size or not! It’s about body confidence. However, a plus sized woman shouldn’t be shamed into feeling less than, because of her size.
      Hug your little one, and raise her to be confident in herself no matter what someone else’s view of beauty says she should be. And, girl… I shop in straight sized stores all the time. I’ll be quick to make a size 14 skirt a top! It just all depends on the fabric. Some stuff gives, and some stuff just doesn’t.

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